Do you ever see ‘those other’ girls? Those picture-perfect girls that seem to have it all together? Everyone gravitates towards them, and they look so sure of themselves? And you’re thinking, ‘I want to be like that, I want to be funny and charming like they are’.
“The number one thing that stops us from feeling confident is comparing ourselves to other people.“
From an evolutionary standpoint, comparison is how we understand where our place IS in the world, but taken too far, and it will eat away at confidence and self-image. Comparing yourself to others is a trap! If you find yourself comparing yourself to someone else, pause for a second, breathe and remind yourself that being different isn’t good or bad. They are just differences, and being different is ok, it’s more than ok!
Do you want to know something funny? No one usually even realises that you don’t feel confident. You may be feeling really awkward and dorky, but it’s not obvious to others like it is to you. They are far too busy thinking about themselves. So stop putting so much pressure on yourself to act or look a certain way, because you’re awesome without even trying.
…So What’s The Secret To Confidence?
Let’s start with what’s not the secret to confidence. You’ve heard the term ‘self-sabotage’? It describes someone who is stopping their own progress intentionally or even unintentionally. So what does that have to do with anything? Well, let us begin, in order to be more confident, you need to have the right foundations in place. You’ve heard of the ol’ house built on sand story? The foundation is, what do you believe about yourself? Do you believe you’re a good person? Do you believe you’re worthy of love and admiration? Do you believe you’re talented? Do you believe you’re a good friend? If the answer to any of those questions is no, then you are currently self-sabotaging your own confidence. You may have gotten this far, getting away with thinking you’re unworthy or not enough in some area, but I can’t let you go any further believing this because it’s a crime! I mean it, it is absolutely criminal that you believe you are any less than the next person. So before you go any further;
..Make your own confidence checklist..
Write down 10 things that you like about yourself. This is your starting point. Next up, is self talk. What kind of things do you say to yourself? Is it nice? If you’re not talking to yourself with as much love and compassion as you would a best friend then this is another big reason you don’t feel confident. Practice positive self talk, when you start this you’ll likely notice old habits of negative self talk come up initially, and that’s normal because change takes time. As self criticism comes up, become aware of it, and say to yourself; ‘actually no, I don’t say those things to myself anymore’. The last part of confidence is the thing that people most often don’t understand. Confidence is not something you have, it is something you DO. Think of it like a muscle, it needs a regular work out to grow strong and stable. It is a gradual process, little by little express yourself that little bit more, share your ideas and creativity a little bit more, wear the quirky outfits you really like a little bit more, talk about your unusual interests and hobbies a little bit more. Do this consistently and you will start feeling more confident.
“There is no one else like you“
Lastly and most importantly, never apologize for being who you are, no matter how weird, loud, or sensitive you are. There is no one else like you and maybe that fact feels uncomfortable to you right now, and that’s ok, it will take time, but you will get there. Truly getting that “no-one else is you, and that is your power” is the key. Only you can do ‘it’ like you can do ‘it’.
Learn to love yourself, be your own best friend and seek validation only from yourself because you’re living with yourself for life, and you deserve to love and celebrate the amazing person you are.
(Melanie Victoria is based in Sydney, Australia and is the Owner of Lionheart Life Coaching, a coaching service for sensitive and empathy driven people who want to build meaningful lives and business’s. She helps clients clarify their plans, develop confidence and teaches practical skills to create and sustain the life they want.)